Having children is one of the biggest decisions a couple can make. Beyond the excitement of starting a family, parenthood brings changes to finances, careers, relationships, daily routines and long-term responsibilities.
Couples may agree that they want children but have very different expectations about how they will raise them, share responsibilities or manage the financial demands involved. These differences can become sources of tension when they are not discussed early.
There is no universal formula for preparing for parenthood. Every relationship has its own circumstances, beliefs and priorities. However, having honest conversations before welcoming a child can help partners understand each other’s expectations and identify areas where they need to reach an agreement.
Here are eight important things couples should discuss before having children.
1. How Many Children Do You Both Want?
One of the first conversations couples should have concerns the number of children they hope to have.
One partner may imagine having three or four children, while the other may prefer one or two. Some may want a large family, while others may be comfortable with a single child.
These differences can affect decisions about finances, housing, career plans and the amount of time parents can dedicate to each child.
Couples should also discuss how they feel about spacing between children and whether they would consider having another child if their initial plans change.
It is worth recognising that reproductive circumstances, health considerations and personal experiences can affect family size. The aim is not to make an inflexible promise but to understand each other’s preferences and how they might approach unexpected situations.
2. How Will You Share Parenting Responsibilities?
Raising a child involves much more than providing money. It requires daily attention, emotional support, supervision and countless practical responsibilities.
Couples should discuss how they intend to divide tasks such as feeding, bathing, school runs, medical appointments, night-time care and household chores.
This conversation is particularly important because some partners may unconsciously expect one person, often the mother, to handle most childcare responsibilities.
Discussing expectations beforehand can help prevent resentment and ensure that neither partner feels overwhelmed or unsupported.
Parents should also consider what happens when one person has demanding work commitments, travels frequently or becomes temporarily unavailable.
A shared understanding of parenting responsibilities can help couples build a more balanced family environment.
3. What Parenting Values and Discipline Methods Will You Follow?
Partners may have different ideas about how children should be raised, particularly when their own childhood experiences were different.
One person may believe in strict discipline, while the other prefers a more flexible approach. They may also disagree about punishments, household rules, independence and how much freedom children should have as they grow older.
Couples should discuss the values they want to teach their children, including honesty, respect, responsibility, kindness and discipline.
They should also consider how they will handle disagreements about a child’s behaviour. Will they discuss disciplinary decisions privately? How will they respond when one parent disagrees with the other’s approach?
Having these conversations can help parents present a more consistent approach to raising their children rather than allowing disagreements to become recurring family conflicts.
4. How Will You Handle the Financial Responsibilities of Raising Children?
Children bring significant financial responsibilities, and couples should understand how they intend to manage them before becoming parents.
Expenses can include pregnancy-related healthcare, delivery, feeding, clothing, childcare, education, healthcare and everyday household needs.
The financial demands may increase as children grow older, particularly when parents begin paying for school fees, extracurricular activities and other developmental needs.
Couples should discuss their income, existing debts, savings, insurance arrangements and plans for emergencies.
They should also decide whether they will maintain joint savings for family expenses or contribute according to an agreed arrangement.
A useful conversation should cover what happens if one partner loses a job, experiences a financial setback or needs to take time away from work to care for a child.
Having a realistic financial plan can reduce avoidable pressure and help partners make decisions based on their actual circumstances.
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5. Will Either Partner Take a Break From Work or Change Careers?
Parenthood can affect professional ambitions, particularly during pregnancy, childbirth and the early years of a child’s life.
Some couples may decide that one parent will take parental leave, reduce working hours or temporarily step away from employment. Others may prefer to continue working and arrange childcare support.
These decisions should not be left until a child arrives.
Partners should discuss whose career may be affected, whether either person is willing to become a stay-at-home parent and how such an arrangement would affect household income and financial independence.
They should also consider whether work schedules can be adjusted to accommodate childcare responsibilities.
The conversation should recognise that both partners may have professional ambitions and that decisions about childcare can have long-term effects on career progression.
6. What Role Will Extended Family Members Play in Raising the Children?
In many Nigerian households, extended family members play an important role in family life and childcare.
Grandparents, aunts, uncles and other relatives may provide financial assistance, practical support or advice. Some couples may welcome this involvement, while others may prefer to raise their children with more independence.
Partners should discuss the level of involvement they are comfortable with and how they will handle situations where relatives disagree with their parenting decisions.
Questions worth considering include whether grandparents will be allowed to make major decisions about the child, who can discipline the children and how often relatives can visit.
Couples should also agree on boundaries around family interference, especially when disagreements involve feeding, education, discipline or religious upbringing.
Having clear expectations can help couples appreciate family support without allowing outside opinions to undermine their decisions as parents.
7. How Will You Approach Religion, Culture and Education?
Religion, cultural identity and education can strongly influence a child’s upbringing.
Partners from different religious backgrounds may have different expectations about the faith their children should practise. Even couples who share the same religion may disagree about how actively children should participate in religious activities.
Education is another important issue. Some parents may prefer private schools, while others may consider public schools or alternative learning arrangements.
Couples should discuss the values they want their children to grow up with, the languages they want them to speak and the cultural traditions they hope to preserve.
They may also need to consider how they will approach sensitive subjects, including relationships, sexuality, technology and exposure to different beliefs as their children mature.
These conversations can help parents establish a shared direction while allowing room for their children’s individual development.
8. How Will You Handle Unexpected Challenges?
Even the most carefully planned pregnancies and parenting journeys can involve unexpected circumstances.
Couples should discuss how they would respond if pregnancy becomes difficult, fertility challenges arise, a child is born with additional medical needs or either parent experiences a serious health problem.
They may also want to talk about whether they would consider fertility treatment, adoption or other family-building options if having biological children becomes difficult.
Mental health deserves attention as well. Pregnancy, childbirth and caring for a newborn can bring emotional and psychological challenges. Partners should understand how they will recognise when one of them needs support and where they can seek professional help.
Couples should also discuss how they intend to protect their relationship during stressful periods. Making time for communication, affection and shared activities can become more difficult when childcare demands increase.
No conversation can prepare parents for every possible situation, but discussing difficult possibilities can help partners approach uncertainty as a team.
Why Couples Should Have These Conversations Before Having Children
Having children changes the responsibilities couples share and the decisions they make together. Expectations that were never discussed can become sources of conflict when partners discover that they have very different ideas about parenting.
These conversations provide an opportunity to identify disagreements, clarify priorities and understand the kind of family environment each person wants to create.
They can also reveal areas where compromise may be necessary. A couple may agree on wanting children but need more time to settle questions about finances, childcare, education or career plans.
The goal is not to have every answer before becoming parents. It is to develop enough understanding and trust to approach the responsibilities of raising a child together.
Frequently Asked Questions About Having Children as a Couple
1. What should couples discuss before having a baby?
Couples should discuss family size, parenting responsibilities, finances, discipline, career plans, extended family involvement, religion, education and how they would handle unexpected challenges.
2. When is the right time to start talking about having children?
There is no fixed timeline, but the conversation should happen before couples begin actively planning a pregnancy. Discussing expectations early allows partners to understand each other’s priorities without the pressure of an immediate decision.
3. Should couples agree on how many children they want before marriage?
It is helpful to discuss family-size expectations before marriage or before making plans to have children. Partners do not need to settle on an exact number immediately, but understanding each other’s preferences can prevent major disagreements later.
4. How should couples divide childcare responsibilities?
Partners should discuss their work schedules, financial contributions, household duties and availability. Childcare responsibilities can be shared according to each person’s circumstances, with regular communication to ensure neither partner becomes overwhelmed.
5. Should both parents agree on how to discipline their children?
Parents should establish shared expectations around discipline, household rules and acceptable behaviour. They may not agree on every decision, but discussing differences privately and avoiding contradictory approaches can help maintain consistency.
6. How much money should couples save before having a baby?
There is no universal amount. Couples should consider pregnancy and delivery expenses, healthcare, feeding, childcare, accommodation, education and emergency savings. Their financial plan should reflect their income and expected responsibilities.
7. Should grandparents be involved in raising children?
Grandparents can provide valuable emotional, practical and financial support. However, couples should agree on boundaries and understand that major parenting decisions remain the responsibility of the child’s parents.
8. What happens if one partner wants children and the other does not?
This is a significant difference in long-term expectations that should not be ignored. Partners should have an honest conversation about their reasons, concerns and future plans. Relationship counselling may help them understand each other’s positions before making a decision.