By Eve Eden
I would consider myself a lady who has a lean dating life. I have recently witnessed my silver jubilee on earth and I can only count one relationship.
Not that I do not have robust admirers but I haven’t had that magical feeling with most males. I have been in a bliss relationship but things didn’t just stick for us. We had to drift due to circumstances beyond our grip. Hence, there is no baby man for me at the moment. I tried and trying to fertilise and water my ocean of men in this new decade. Most times nothing sprouts between me and them and when it seems; it chokes up at a blink.
It’s been daunting, puzzling and revealing at the same time. With these explores, I can tell more about things I can live with and without in a partner. With each end of chapter, my likes get refined and I erase those fairy lists and attune to realities. Just a month’s time to see the half of the year and I am still unsuccessful. Please, I am not on a prowl on men. I have so much goodness in me and I need another being with so much or more goodness than I got so that we can equal greatness. I believe in heterogeneous companionship. My pair of boobs are not for mere aesthetics.
I have experienced the low and high feelings that comes when you meet a new one. For weeks, I would be so convinced that I would knock the new Samurai down but within a second, we would reverse to the starting phase or no phase at all like we never talked. With my scanty guys exposure I believe I have seen more of the ridiculous types than the good ones that I am still hopeful about. They appear as fine ripe bananas with the perfect shade of yellow, no black stains, no soft puddles and I am lured but at a taste, I would puke with disgust. Perhaps, I am the culprit, the one who needs detoxification or I happen to have a bad choice in sifting guys. Thus, I mostly select the ones that makes my eyes bulge with enlarged ear lopes.
I am delighted to delve into some of my companion hunt from January till May, some of these samples are people I have been familiar with before 2020.
The first XY is/was a man. We share a nine year age gap. He works and lives abroad (sounds cool?) he owns and manages an online magazine. He is Igbo, tall and dark. Plus we have known each other from 2015. We have kept it business with hellos. What more can I check? I saw him as a plus and was thrilled. I have always kept my list simple- be tall, dark, lean, be humane, flexible and enough assets to provide for need and luxury.
Back to my gossip, He was swift in declaring that he got no time for fooling around but got time to start a family. He had a blue print. He demanded (not requested) that I get a bride list and start house hunting. He needed the rent so that we can use as shelter when he returns for the ceremony. Plus, he wanted me to tell my mum and relatives (they live in the east) to prepare to come into Lagos for the introduction. He revealed that his family live either in Lagos or Abuja and can’t afford to haul them to the east. It would be a risk. I just Okayed.
How strange? My family deserved to be the puppets. We need to seek him and his family not the other way. I don’t know what to brand this trait- selfish or insensitive. He also had a long term that he would definitely return to USA after the feast whilst I stay back but I would only make a trip there when I ready to pop out his offspring and return to Nigeria after delivery. In essence my only ticket to abroad is when my uterus is about to expel a foetus. I am not worthy to live abroad with him or make him to relocate to Nigeria. I just Okayed and gave him a long spoon. Our story ended. I refuse to be a cast in his peril script.
The second XY was a nurse who couldn’t stop singing about his ex- that left him and married another guy. According to him, he promised her to share his new girlfriend. I would be a piece to make up for what was lost. Aside these minuses, on our first date, he was bent on getting a kiss which I politely declined. nothing is wrong with a first kiss but I was unsure of my feelings.
He gave so much excuses whenever he fails at something relating to our pairing. On my birthday, he stood me up and bothered not to make amends. I finally closed his file, after my first visit to his house. Dude, asked for my consent before he can offer me a feast in his house but he didn’t seek my approval when he gave it a shot to get all romantic with me. I signed him off after that day.
The third XY and the last one I would tell about was my catch in March. What created aroused the instant spark was that this guy had some similarities with my ex. I felt with such similarities, it would ease things since I have understudied his kind before. All, I needed to do is to clear what caused my split with my ex so that myself and this one can be a bean and a pod. It was all blushes and dreamy nights as we nurtured our friendship via phone calls and chats. The first date happened.
We went to a jetty which was unusual for most Nigerian guys. I was astonished by this but after the home date at his place- the feelings deflated like a balloon. Personal and home hygiene tallies. If there is any different, I may be tempted to call someone a grubby person. All the butterflies in my tummy for him went into extinct. I can’t tell if he can still blow some air into me and get me floating again. His file is not closed yet; it’s just undergoing some queries. The other bunch of XY’s were those who were sincere in telling that they only need us to make the bed spread warm and enjoy its benefits. While I have nothing against their need but they came to the wrong product because I can’t provide such need. I can only warm up a skin when I fancy someone enough to see myself as a partner. Even, if I don’t become the partner, but while at warming each other’s skin, we equally nurture the interest of being committed to each other; all things being equal.
Regardless, I am certain, that my despairs on this would be history someday. After all, prince charming crossed the seven seas and high mountains before finding princess sweet. I have my demons too that can make any of these XY’s flea but you can only get to know this side of the story cause I am the story teller not otherwise.
I term my situation tutelage. I am just learning. I hope, my kids read this piece someday so that they can share in the experience I went through in getting their dad. I juggled from all variants of guys- thick, lean, oblong faced, round face, protruding ass, flat ass, big foot, small foot and so on. They would know, that their dad didn’t fall from the sky into my bedroom but I went outside, with a sword and a brave heart and hurt and got hurt too till I found a warrior that suited my bitchy self.