Husband beats wife over choice of outfit for school run: here are 7 ways to identify an abusive partner
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The increasing rate of domestic violence in Nigeria has come to an alarming point. It remains one of the most pressing social issues in Nigeria, with countless women enduring the horrors of abuse daily. Recently, reports surfaced of a husband who physically beat his wife to blindness over her choice of outfit for a simple school run. This incident did not just spark an outrage online, it also mirrors the broader reality that abuse isn’t always about what the victim does—it’s about the abuser’s need for control and dominance.
According to a 2022 report by the National Bureau of Statistics (NBS), 30% of Nigerian women aged 15-49 have experienced physical violence. The statistics become even grimmer when high-profile domestic violence cases are considered. From the tragic death of gospel singer Osinachi Nwachukwu in April 2022 to the heartbreaking story of Bimbo Ogbonna in October 2022, down to the recent case of a man who burnt his wife to death over intense anger, it’s clear that domestic violence has eaten deep into the hearts of many persons.
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Recognizing the early signs of abuse in a relationship is now as crucial as surviving in a harsh economy.
Seven ways to recognise an abusive man
Excessive controlling character
The hallmark of abusive behavior is to be in charge (control). An abuser’s partner often wants to dictate what their partner does, wears, who they talk to, and how they live their life. The recent school-run outfit case is a prime example. The issue wasn’t about the clothes—the man believed that he had the right to make decisions for his wife.
This mirrors the control dynamics in late Minister Osinachi Nwachukwu’s marriage. PunchOnline (2022) reported that according to testimonies from family members, her husband allegedly controlled her career, finances, social interactions, bookings and eventually led her to years of silent suffering.
Excessive anger or fury
An abusive man is often known for his uncontrollable anger which often is disproportionate to the situation. What starts as verbal aggression can often escalate to shouting, threats, or physical violence. According to the Guardian Nigeria, the incident of Ronke Shonde, who was killed by her husband in 2016 is a good example of wrath uncontrolled. Neighbors reported hearing arguments and physical confrontations before her body was discovered in their home.
Even Mrs Blessing Nwaka was burnt with fuel by her husband in a fit of anger which led to her ultimate death.
Extreme jealousy/ over possessiveness
Although jealousy usually seems like a sign that a partner is deeply in love with you and afraid to lose you, oftentimes, it can become so toxic. Take the case of Bimbo Ogbonna, wife of celebrity car dealer IVD who endured years of torment due to her husband’s obsessive jealousy. Her tragic death in 2022 was traced to an alleged domestic dispute fueled by the husband’s insecurities.
Abusive men often accuse their partners of infidelity or fabricate reasons to isolate them from others while using jealousy as a tool of control.
Gaslighting and emotional blackmail
Abusers often twist reality, making their partners question their sanity or sense of perception. This psychological tactic, known as gaslighting, is designed to erode confidence and make the victim reliant on the abuser’s version of events.
For instance, in Osinachi’s case, friends reported that her husband downplayed his violent behavior, framing it as “discipline” or justifying it as her fault.
Disregard for Boundaries
Abusive people never respect boundaries. They are always fond of breaking their partner’s boundary rules; whether it’s personal space, consent, or emotional needs. Their persistent violation reinforces their dominance.
Isolation/cut-off friends and loved ones
One key tactic abusers use to achieve their fatal work is cutting off friends and support systems from their victims. They would isolate their victims from friends, family, and colleagues. By doing so, they ensure their partner has no one to turn to. This was a recurring theme in the stories of several domestic violence survivors in Nigeria, many of whom stated they felt cut off from loved ones.
Double-edged personality.
You can’t place hand on their personality because they change more quickly than a chameleon. Abusers can appear charming and kind in public, masking their true nature. This duality makes it harder for victims to speak out, as outsiders often see the abuser as a model partner. They rarely apologize and when they do, they will recite dictionaries of apologies and promises of change after a violent episode, but they rarely keep those promises and would never really change. Before you could finish forgiving them for an offense committed, they have done another one.
While recognizing abuse is the first step towards ending it, separating yourself from an abusive partner is saving your life. The NBS reports that 18% of women in abusive relationships in Nigeria are financially controlled by their partners. Learn a skill, make your own money, and leave that relationship. You still have loads of life ahead of you.
