How to deal with an abusive relationship

Photo Credit: The News Chronicle

By Miracle Udeagha

I was at the mall on Friday where I went to see a movie. I had like an hour before the movie was scheduled to start so I went and took a seat at the waiting area. As I was going through my phone, I overheard the heated conversation going on between a guy and his girlfriend who were sitting at the same table I was.

Being the nosy girl I’ve always been (cut me some slack nah. I be mass communicator. Lol), I tuned into their conversation. The guy was pissed at the girl. Reason was because she had told him she wanted to see a movie and asked if he would accompany her.

According to the guy, he sees movies as a “form of distraction” and so he didn’t want to come out with her. Don’t ask me why he was there. I don’t know either. Anyway, the guy kept complaining and complaining and when the girl would try to speak, he would go like “Don’t talk while I’m talking. I’ve told you that several times.” And the babe would shut her mouth. I sat down there and I was boiling seriously.

To cut the long story short, the guy later stormed out, leaving the babe to her movie. And she was silent the whole time.
Now let’s trash out this issue. First of all, if the guy didn’t want to go to the movies with the babe he could have just said so. I don’t even see why the babe couldn’t have just asked one of her friends to accompany her or better still go alone.

Secondly, a movie is just a movie. The guy, in my opinion, took things too far. Why is a movie a distraction sef? I thought they were meant for relaxation. He could have just stayed and enjoyed the movie. Come on. Your babe called you to accompany her. She didn’t want anybody else to see the movie with her. Just you. That should mean something.
Guys sha. But if the babe had gone with another nigga now, the same guy would still bring the roof down over the matter.

So the topic of today’s post. Abuse. What exactly is abuse ?
Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse,occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you.

An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you. Domestic violence and abuse does not discriminate; it happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and economic levels.

And while women are more commonly victimized, men are also abused—especially verbally and emotionally, although sometimes even physically as well. The bottom line is that abusive behavior is never acceptable, whether it’s coming from a man, a woman, a teenager, or an older adult. You deserve to feel valued, respected, and safe.Recognizing abuse is the first step to getting help.

Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to violence. And while physical injury may be the most obvious danger, the emotional and psychological consequences of domestic abuse are also severe. Emotionally abusive relationships can destroy your self-worth, lead to anxiety and depression, and make you feel helpless and alone.

No one should have to endure this kind of pain—and your firststep to breaking free is recognizing thatyour situation is abusive. Once you acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, then you can get the help you need.

Signs of an abusive relationship

There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner—constantly watching whatyou say and do in order to avoid a blow-up—chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.

Dealing with an abusive relationship is never easy. You may feel you can change your partner if you put in enough effort. You might even take the blame for your partner’s flaws.

But you must recognize that you can’t change your partner and it is best to seek help or better still, leave d relationship.

Making your partner realize that he or she is hurting you is not your responsibility. Abusers do not change just because you want them to or you show them love. They need to learn to act with love.

You aren’t doing yourself or your partner any favors by staying in the relationship. You may feel like you are “the only person who understands him” or feel like “he or she is a very good person if you get to know him/her”. You shouldn’t think this way. Don’t minimize how much pain this person causes you. It is not heroic to stay with a person that disrespects you. Infact, if anything were to happen to you tomorrow, you would be forgotten very quickly.

Life goes on without you. There have been cases were such have been seen and even heard. Most times, the woman may loose her life all in the name of the love she has for her husband. Pretty soon after her death, the guy forgets her or may even remarry. So you see there really is no point in risking your life in the claims that you love your partner and might change him if you stay in the relationship.

Dealing with an abusive relationship is never easy. You may feel you can change your partner if you put in enough effort. You might even take the blame for your partner’s flaws.

When you eventually decide to stop being abused physically and emotionally by your partner, the following steps would be of help to you:

*Know when to say goodbye
Sometimes, relationships are just wrong and can’t be saved. For your sake, and that of your mental health, try hard to recognize as early as possible if a relationship is worth working on. Remember it’s unlikely that your partner will ever change.

*Put your safety first
Always ensure you don’t get hurt during physical fights. Try to protect yourself as much as possible. Remember you only have one life to live.

*Have your phone on you at all times
Make sure you always have a phone on you. You can never tell when things could spiral out of control and you might be needing your phone at that time.

*Escape to a safe location
If you are leaving, make sure you do so to a safe location. Ensure it is a place your partner can’t easily find you. This is so you can avoid danger and the state of always living in fear.

*Cut off contact
Delete/block the contact of your partner on your phone and on social media. You need to move on with your life and your partner doesn’t need to see how well you’re living without him.

*Take care of yourself
Ensure you take good care of yourself. See a psychologist if necessary. Know what you went through isn’t easy on anyone and you deserve proper care. You might need to talk to someone to let go of your emotions. Do so if you feel like it. You could take up a professional class such as baking classes, make-up classes etc. You could even go hiking, camping or take a summer trip Just ensure you are happy and healthy both physically and emotionally.

I hope this article has been useful to someone.

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article was first published here.