By Ebere Mercy
Happy Friday babies! It’s our Friday, and I’m glad to be here today. Are you?
Today, we’ll be having a soul-to-soul. The type of soul-to-soul where we can talk about the type of person we’d never date, either based on personal choice or what we have experienced in past relationships.
Do you get the drill? The idea is to pour it all here.
Yea, sure sometimes our partners don’t live up to the expectations we have built for them in our head, but that doesn’t mean that there are some things that some of us would ever tolerate in a relationship (again).
Without much ado, I’ll tell you the kind of man I would never date:
- This is going to sound awful and aggressive maybe, but if I don’t find someone physically attractive, I won’t date them. You have an extra mark if you are as pretty inside as you are outside but darling if I don’t find you physically attractive, we’d never get there.
- I can’t date a man who has unfinished business with his ex(es) because I cannot do the type of polygamy where he wants a connection with me but still wants access to his exes while remaining in a situationship with them for as long as our relationship lasts. This is a deal breaker for me, so if we decide we want to take our relationship a step further, we’d have to discuss the kind of relationships we have with our exes and how we manage them, especially that particular ex. It will be a discussion done in person and not over text messages or phone calls, so I can look directly into his eyes and know that he isn’t still hung up on them, and wouldn’t run back to them as soon as he feels lonely and horny and is in the same space as the person. Do you know how upsetting it is to be in a relationship with somebody who loves you as much as you do them but who still loves someone else and would rather be with them given different circumstances. Maybe you do or not but it’s a NO NO NO from this side. I want to know that we couldn’t talk when we should have because the network went bust through the day or he was busy with work and not because he was on a never ending call with his ex talking about how they need to meet again, or he was in and out of stores looking to buy her stuff to make her happy or because he was at her house gisting like old times, because I mean, they’re just friends. See, I’m a very monogamous person who can be possessive of my man in times like this, so automatically I cannot share what’s mine. If you like sharing, I am straight away leaving without looking back. I am no revolving door so I won’t be having you back because I am not about to be in a triangulated relationship as it is. Yes, I’m not open-minded either.
Still on this line of thought, someone with a lot of emotional baggage would never have the time of my life. I can and will be with the person at times of distress, but if it goes on and on and the person just refuses to move on from the past, I just cannot. It’s nothing personal, I promise. It’s not even you. It’s just me loving the feels of “peace of mind” and not wanting to trade it because love.
- I can’t date a liar. I have been called a human lie detector because I can sense someone’s lies even through text messages. I have an uncanny ability to tell if I am being lied to and lying absolutely drives me INSANE which is why I detest being lied to, being told a part of the truth, or not even told it at all for that matter. When it comes to me, there is nothing such as ‘white lies’ because I value truth and honesty above being told sweet little lies any day, no matter how brutal the honesty is. I’m much more likely to be mad if you lie to me about doing something wrong than what you actually did wrong itself. That goes for things big or small, whether it be lying about whether you liked my outfit or cheating. You better tell me the truth because if I find out you lied or you’re trying not to tell me something I should know (and I’m very good at it), the entire situation will be ten times worse.
- I can’t date an extreme penny pincher. I am not a needy girl in the sense that asking you to spend on me isn’t my thing (I’ll rather your attention, cuddles, efforts), but then I will never date Mr. Extreme Penny Pincher. I am not in for someone who would park faraway and make me walk the rest of the journey because it saves a few bucks on parking; who makes a big deal out of splitting the 5k bill on a coffee date; who would make me walk through the city because N100 is too important; who I buy a thoughtful gift for his birthday or an anniversary only to get a cheap trinket or just regifts me something he received years ago; who tries to pick the cheapest restaurants; who complains every time I want to splurge on a fun date or activity even if I’ll be splitting or covering the cost; whose clothes are ancient and falling apart but he refuses to replace them. An extreme penny-pincher is no fun and not attractive to me in the least. There is a big difference between being frugal and being a cheapskate.
- Miss me if you stink. I am very huge on personal hygiene so don’t try with me if you are badly groomed with hygiene issues. I have been said to have a nose that rivals that of a blood hound. One poor smell, and I’ll always think of you differently.
- You don’t have to do anything you don’t want but I refuse to be in a relationship where the other person can’t handle an ounce of constructive criticism and I can’t be expressive as I would want to be for fear that I would awaken the demons in them that we just suppressed only two days ago, or where I feel I can’t talk to you about my interests for fear you’ll judge me.
Still on this point, I can be really unreasonable when I’m upset and you can too, but the entire relationship is not going to revolve around trying to read your mind, getting the silent treatment or you bottling everything up until you explode. This is who I was (I still relapse every now and then though) until I realized communicating with the right person helped things, so I’m not looking to date anyone who has these traits, especially one who stops talking and starts talking with me at his own convenience. We can’t be both unfortunate at the same time. Passive aggressiveness in any form is a deal breaker. I can’t date a violent person, be it in physical, emotional or mental forms. I’m not wired to accept abuse so with the first red flag, it is a wrap, and it was nice doing business with you.
- I’m never dating anyone who does not know what they want in future. I can’t deal with the whole “Let’s see where this goes” thing. My time is precious. This does not mean I am asking you to marry me tomorrow, I only need to know what you expect from me. You have to also be passionate or driven about something because it is extremely difficult for me to be with someone who just wants to take life as it is.
- Someone who can type like tHis whyl Sayin 10q or kkrh? Boybye.
- If we can’t meet as often as we would want, we can’t date. The distance from your house from mine has to be a driving distance. Even if distance is introduced at some point, it has to be temporal.
- I can’t date someone who is insensitive to things I’m not comfortable with and isn’t self aware. If you do not have an internal mirror that allows you to see where you are wrong, then we cannot date. Awareness is an integral part of self-development and healthy relationships, and if you don’t have it, then how can we build a functional relationship?
- I can’t date someone who is addicted to being a victim. Personally, I am terrified of people who can manipulate any situation to make themselves the victim. Not only does it mean they are unlikely to grow but it’s also a recipe for disaster when the relationship becomes more serious. So… miss me.
- Someone who wants the whole casual sex relationship thing is not my person. I am demisexual and cannot separate love and sex from each other no matter how hard I try. Maybe someday?
- Someone who has a strict formula of life, and isn’t ready to learn anything different from how he has always had it, no no.
- Someone who is a twin is a no no. Do I have to explain this?
- Someone who is racist, sexist, homophobic etc, I’m not even going to tolerate that bull.
- Someone who takes my love for granted, no no.
- Someone who does not save his last part of his cake for me, even if I ate mine alone, no no. Why won’t you?
- You definitely have to love cuddling.
Skadoosh! I have said so much more than I intended! This is the type of effect you have on me. Sigh.
Now, it’s your turn. Who would you never date? Like I said, no one else is going to see this, because it’s our little secret. If you don’t tell, I won’t.
Me, Myself and I – G Eazy x Bebe Rexha.
Editor’s Note: This post was first published on EBERE MERCY’s blog, CRISNG was granted permission to repost it.